Changed Forever
by Superherotiger
Summary: After the events of season 4 and a traumatising, vicious battle over Lothal, Ezra struggles to accept the many changes he has created on the world, and himself. His master continues to reassure his shattered apprentice through the many losses he faces, but maybe some wounds are just too deep to heal...


**Hey everybody!**

 **Wow, it's been a** ** _very_** **long time huh? I'm so sorry for my lack of updates, but I've really been going through lots of issues with my family and personal life. I hope you guys can understand, and it means the world to me how patient you all are, especially with my lack of updates.**

 **A really big thanks to Azulablue92, they've been helping me through this rough patch in my life and still hangs around even after my endless stream of emotional vents! Honestly, I don't know how I'd get by without Azula, so why not go check out their latest story and show some love because it is** ** _awesome_** **and deserves way more attention!**

 **I promise I am trying very hard to get the next chapters of my stories ready, and for the meantime, I hope maybe this One-shot story will be able to tide you over! Okay, I hope you enjoy! Have a great day and may the force be with you, always!**

 **-Superherotiger**

 ** _(And who's hyped for Rebels season 4 amiriiiiiiiight?!)_**

* * *

 ** _…_**

The wind blew gently across the grassy hills of Lothal, causing the golden landscape to ripple and swirl like the waves of an ocean. With the warmth of the breeze and sweet smell of new life, the planet's deceiving surface almost masked its battle wounds. Ezra, sitting atop a small hill, gazed out at the horizon with a stagnant gaze. His home-planet's golden rays of sunshine and fluffy, white clouds could not conceal the charred ash and wreckage that remained scattered before him. The Jedi inhaled slowly, the slightest hint of smoke wafting past his senses. Or maybe, he wondered, it was just a mere memory. _A ghost…_

As dimmed, blue eyes shifted across the stained environment, he could no longer see the fast-recovering grass or Lothcats shifting through the shallow stalks.

No, instead, Ezra only saw _destruction_.

Everywhere he looked, broken machinery laid entwined between freshly sprouted grass clumps, spurred on by the ash and char that fertilised the dry, cracked soil. Trees remained scorched and splintered, any that remained standing bearing the gunshots that had barraged them. The river in the distance, though now clear of pollution, hid shards of broken armour and shattered souls, it's shimmering water once red from the blood spilt on that painful day.

Ezra winced, his expression darkening further. But his brow only furrowed as he glanced down at his left leg, shifting his foot through the soft, loose soil.

Yet, the boy's hands only clenched at the clunky, mechanical sound that followed.

The medics had tried their best that day, Hera told me. The gun shot had hit right in my calf, and the boulders that had crushed the fragile bone after tripping in a ditch had made the leg almost impossible to recover. Some things, Ezra reminded himself, just couldn't be saved…

He trailed his fingers down the cold, metal workings of his prosthetic leg, wondering if he had just been mere seconds sooner he could have saved it… or saved…

A familiar presence washed over the teen, it's signature radiating a sense of peace and warmth like never before. Ezra sighed, his eyes prickling with tears.

"Come on Kid," Kanan's teasing voice soothed into his ears. "Surely the leg's not that bad, right?"

The boy shook his head, refusing to turn to the source of the voice as he felt his master settle at his side. "It's not that…" Ezra finally managed to mutter, his throat strained with each word.

"Then what is it?" Kanan asked softly.

Ezra shut his eyes tightly as he released a tense breath, his lungs aching at the sheer action. He could already feel his stomach twisting, his fingers digging into the fabric of his pants as he forced himself to keep a steady voice. "I… I should have been f-faster," he stammered, his voice as soft as the breeze.

"You did everything you possibly could, Ezra," Kanan replied encouragingly. "I couldn't be more proud of you."

"But it wasn't _enough_!" he snapped, immediately recoiling at his venomous tone.

A brief silence passed between the two, tension building within Ezra once more as he struggled to maintain his shallowing breathing. But finally, after a few more moments, Kanan said "Ezra, look out there."

The boy hesitated, his body shuddering, until his master's calming waves finally tore his gaze away from his gritty hands. He looked over the war torn land with a grimace, his soul only freezing over more. Ezra spoke before Kanan could, stating painfully "There's so much destruction here… s-so much… _death_ …"

There was a small pause, before the Jedi replied peacefully "Well, when I look out there, I see something different. I see _life_."

Ezra's eye twitched, glaring at his hands once more as he hissed through clenched teeth " _How_ can you say that after what _happened here?!_ "

Memories flashed before the teen's eyes as he relived that dreaded battle once more. The sounds of screams as troopers fell at either side of him. The roaring, snapping fire that exploded across the once beautiful fields. The red stained horizon as troopers from both sides fell under the barrage of firepower from above, the green bolts streaking across the sky like lightning…

Suddenly, Ezra's soul fell from his body as he was sent back to that horrific moment…

…

 _"_ _Kanan!" Ezra screamed, running towards his master desperately as more gunshots from the sky rained over them._

 _The Padawan was desperate to get to his master, but as he ran through the thick, billowing smoke he refused to leave his men behind. "Get to cover!" he roared to the troops. "Get out of here there's too much fire from the TIE's!"_

 _The fight had been vicious, unexpected, and entirely accidental. The initial plan was to destroy the Imperial factory on Lothal before any of the special prototyped TIE's made it out of production. They had been preparing themselves in the Lothal rebel hideout in the fields, before they were suddenly ambushed by waves of armoured vehicles and stormtroopers. The rebels had kept up a brave fight, using controlled lines of fire to keep the enemy at bay, at least long enough to escape. The large amounts of smoke had hidden their location, and Ezra had been sure they would make it out to fight another day._

 _That was until, the TIE fighters came._

 _Newly shielded TIE's streamed across the sky, raining down green bolts with no sign of mercy. And without being about to see their targets through the smoke, they took out_ everything _, even their own men. They couldn't keep up the fight, and Ezra already knew they had suffered extremely heavy casualties from the surprise reinforcements._

 _As the apprentice scrambled up the crumbling, dry slope, he continued to call out to his master, who he had last seen jump behind a boulder over the crest._

 _He had almost made it to the top, when a stray bolt flew through the smoke and hit the back of his leg head on. Ezra howled an awful scream, tripping over a root and tumbling forward into a hidden ditch. He desperately tried to claw onto the pebbly, stone surface, only to find the boulder pulling away from the loose dirt and falling down with him to the bottom of the ditch. Ezra hit the earth with a painful thud, only for his grunt to morph into an agonising holler when the boulder suddenly smashed onto his injured leg, crushing it beneath the rock's fierce weight._

 _The boy's screams mingled with vicious coughing as the ditch began pooling with thick smoke, his vision blurring and lungs throbbing intensely. His mind began to whirl, and for a moment he was sure he would pass out._

 _Until suddenly, the crushing weight lifted from his now broken leg, and Ezra gazed up to see the rock hovering away from his body, the round form a mere silhouette through the smoke. His breathing remained pained gasps as tears rolled from his stinging eyes, and he forced himself up against his elbows to glance around the darkened ditch._

 _Ezra desperately shifted his fading vision around, wearily searching for a way out of the ditch of death, until his eyes suddenly shot open in horror. Just over his shoulder, his terrified eyes fixed onto the limp figure slumped against the wall. A soldier, one of the most important leaders to the mission Ezra realised, had been shot in the waist and was slowly bleeding out in this smoke-filled ditch._

 _And from that moment, Ezra knew he would never be the same…_

 _…_

"So many died…" Ezra breathed through a disjointed growl. "I don't understand how you see _life_ after everything that happened…"

He didn't reply at first, but despite the boy's harsh tone, his master's presence never faltered for a second as he replied gently "Maybe so. But right now, in this moment, life has begun to return to the planet. Look out there again."

Though begrudging at first, the memories of the battle still fresh in his mind, the teen eventually forced his gaze back to the horizon. And though he initially saw the dire, chaotic remains he always seemed to find, something suddenly shifted when Kanan connected fiercely to Ezra through the force. Within a few moments, everything seemed brighter, and the once hollow rays of the sun were filled with joy and hope. Ezra gazed out over the grass again, and saw fresh, golden sprouts beginning to break through the soil and replenish the burnt, scarred landscape. Even the sounds and movement of animals were evident, prancing through the destruction as if nothing had ever happened.

Gazing over his now recovering home, Ezra's expression softened.

But it shifted into something the boy had desperately been trying to hide, trying to conceal from the world.

 _Greif._

The boy buried his face into his hands as tears forcefully flooded out of his eyes, his chest heaving in ragged, agonising sobs. "It's not _fair!_ " He cried out, his voice getting blown away in the gentle breeze. "Why… w-why did this h-happen to me…"

Kanan's gentle signature continued to reassure him as he spoke confidently "I know you've lost a lot, Kid. I know it hurts, but this, is a victory."

"How is it a-"

"You and your troops freed this planet from the Empire's tyranny," he cut the boy off swiftly. "The factory was destroyed, Thrawn was assassinated by one of his own men, and Lothal can now recover from the pain it has endured throughout the Empire's rein. _You_ saved your home, and all those who live in it."

Ezra ground his teeth, his next words soft and cracked with shame. "No I didn't…" he whispered.

"What do you mean?" Kanan asked, his voice echoing off the walls of his apprentice's skull.

The breeze wafted past the two, gently kneading through Ezra's course, navy locks. Slowly, he dragged his hands away from his face with a hollow expression. He continued to stare out at the land before him, desperately seeking the sun's warmth to thaw out his frozen soul. And finally, the boy shifted his shadowed gaze towards his master. He stared at him with wide, tearful eyes, before his voice hitched in a weak sob.

 _"_ _I didn't save_ you _,"_ he finished, his eyes locked onto the head stone beside him.

Greif flooded the boy like a vicious storm that had been festering and building over weeks, even months of turmoil. He had never wanted to cry like this again in front of his master, but he couldn't force the tears back any longer as he roared and wept his anger and guilt into the air. He clawed his hand over the stone, his fingers trailing against the carved words below them:

 _Here lies Kanan Jarrus. A fighter, a Jedi, a_ friend _. He will be forever missed. May the force be with you, Kanan._

Ezra felt like a vulnerable child as he continued to mourn over the loss he had failed to prevent. "I should have been faster!" he grunted through pitiful sniffles. "I should have _saved you_ …"

Kanan's presence still lingered around him. He could sense it. But it only made the boy feel worse for his master's death.

"W-Why…" he whispered, his sobs beginning to slow. " _W-Why did you leave me…?"_

There was a long, painful silence. The boy desperately listened out for Kanan's voice, but all he could hear was the gentle rustling of the grass around him. Ezra almost gave up searching, about to fall into the darkness that shrouded him. Until suddenly, a warm, reassuring presence curled around his weak form, lifting the weight he had been carrying for many moons.

"Oh Ezra," Kanan soothed, his tone as soft as the wind. "I was always there for you…"

 _"_ _And I always will be…"_


End file.
